Success and Childhood

I had a session with the therapist/coach last night. The subject was around allowing more success in, success in all its aspects. We focused on the money side as this is where much of my stress this year has come from. The sessions are face to face (unlike the matronly life coach) so quite impactful. And she is trained in  Transactional Analyses so lots of explorations about the early messages.

I am really understanding the direct consequences of our childhood experiences on how our adult lives pan out. I am examining my own and also meeting others who have had different childhoods and seeing what they are doing. Last night I was out for dinner with successful people, those who have become professionals, a young psychiatrist, a dentist and a young haematologist doctor. All from wealthy back grounds, with professional parents. Its completely natural to them to be where they are, it feels comfortable and normal. The young doctor and the psychiatrist young woman are a couple and you can almost map out what their lives will be like should they end up married with children. Their own kids will also likely become professionals.

I was brought up in a house of professionals too, albeit less well paid ones, teachers. In the therapy session we looked at how unhappy my parents were in their jobs and how I had decided I was never going to ‘sell my soul’ for money. So I rebelled. Rejected material comfort and security. This tied in well with a sense of unworthiness too, that they didn’t really care what I did, never encouraged me. It was as Ive said before an unhappy household with my parents unhappy marriage. She asked where I went to feel safe, I replied, the garden. Its no surprise why I ended up as a garden designer! She talked about how we reenact these early experiences. So for me garden were a safe zone. And those indoors were not safe. So we wondered how this impacted on my feeling about my clients.

She then started complimenting  me and encouraging me, and I became a little tearful when she did that. It was SO good to hear. Someone recognising out loud my efforts to build a business and acknowledge my skills and achievements.

We talked about money and my growing changing relationship with it. I realise I have to give the universe and myself permission to allow more abundance in and stop holding it back. I suspect all that law of attraction stuff is simply about giving yourself permission to receive

  • I give myself full permission to do really well financially so that I can have some security and look after myself as I get older.
  • I give myself full permission to have a happy harmonious relationship with a kind man
  • I give myself full permission to own a beautiful house of my own.
  • I give myself full permission to be bold and generous to myself with what I charge my clients
  • I give myself full permission to charge what we are worth which is a lot

I give thanks for the abundance that I have in my life at the moment.



Snakes and Ladders!u

Another meltdown! So many things going wrong right now in business. Its like a game of snakes and ladders. Mostly caused by trying to do landscaping during winter and work needing redone which is expensive, clients getting grumpy, suppliers wanting money, savings dwindling, being sued…

Also I just gave the cost to my client whose job we are supposed to be starting in a week but her silence suggests she isn’t happy with the price. This is where my head goes into spirals of self doubt.

I want to be successful and happy! The clients and men too and all of us!

Bit Later. Just got a fabulous new project! Its snakes and ladders this business thing. And I used my new questionnaire which helped me be less shy about discussing money and got a decent budget from them 🙂 oh and I got the one I was worried about not getting too!

Can be hard to change habits but Im seeing it pay off already. Im using the new processes I have been creating to protect myself. Yesterday I used the new questionnaire so I can avoid the awkward discussion about money and it just becomes part of the other questions. The new Terms and Conditions are with the lawyer for approval. And John has the costing list. Im making changes even though it is uncomfortable to do so, its necessary to put an end to stressful repetitions.

Going in the right direction. And I see that encouragement is so important. And Its not coming from anywhere except myself and my paid helpers at the moment. Good results would be all the encouragement I need when more success starts to take place.

I am learning that wishing for success for myself is very okay. I have been feeling some guilt about it but I do actually want to be successful in all areas of life, and I already am increasingly so am getting used to it. I trust myself that I won’t become greedy and materialistic which was my fear. I love the fact that the more money I make the more I can share it. I believe in tithing. And I support the idea of Universal Income for everyone. Its ridiculous there’s such poverty exists still.

So I hereby give myself permission to be more successful than ever financially , in love , health and life. There!


Daring to Dream

for something I want. And now my hopes are seemingly dashed for now. I say dare because I feel scared about it so its daring to entertain what I want. This is because some of its material things and Ive always believed its somehow wrong to want anything I don’t already have. The belief says that I am to be grateful for what I have and not ask for what isn’t there. I have so much already. I am plagued by unworthiness. I see people with nice houses, even just little ones and I doubt if I deserve it.

But I would dearly love a beautiful house of my own. A place that is a real stable home. With my own garden where I can plant flowers and watch them grow. A pond and enjoy watching wildlife colonise it. A big kitchen living area where I can invite people for dinner. That I can decorate as I would like it. A place that I actually own. I feel so guilty writing this as ownership on another level seems preposterous to me. But here I am in a flat I love but I have to move out because the owner has some plans for it. Out of my control. I have to move again. If I had my own place Id be in control. No landlord.

I had a deposit saved but now I have had to put half the money into the business to keep us going through this bad weather and the other half possibly will go to that client threatening me legally. So my dream of owning my own house will perhaps have to be put off and I move again into a rented place. This does not excite me at all. More wasted money and I can only get  17 at the moment. If Im able to save this year it will then be a 16 year mortgage. Anyways…

Today I have been pricing a decent job we hopefully start in a week. We are struggling though to finish some gardens we had to leave due to the bad weather and the clients are angry and that is stressful. I have huge tax bills to pay at the end of the month too. VAT PAYE and personal tax, amounting to £25k, where is that going to come from?!

Running a business is hard at times. You are responsible for everything.


Asking for Help

I have two life coaches at the moment, a therapist and an occasional mindfulness coach.

What has happened over the last week is that they have all helped me get to the bones of what I want to change. Then they made me make a list of actions and now I find I’ve carried out most those actions. Actions vital for the smooth running of the business and methods in place to body swerve some of the immense stress I have been experiencing. Things like terms and conditions, a proper systematic pricing system, construction details for all projects. I know, these sound like they are things that should have been in place already but when in spinning multiple plates in the air, you focus on what you must do before what you want to or is sensible to.

I feel empowered by this, and also stressed about money right now. Had to send my teams home on Monday, minus 8 degrees, can’t have them out in that and not much can be done. And I need them out working to get Fridays payments from the clients in the bank to pay suppliers. But that won’t happen till it defreezes so I’ve transferred nearly half my savings into the business account just to keep it going. This puts me in an even more precarious situation with the litigation and could rule out buying an apartment.

“First world problem Mum” I hear my son say. I have clients nagging me to finish jobs but we cant till the weather picks up. And I have big tax bills due at the end of the month and also this litigation situation where a previous client is demanding £45k I don’t have and an ongoing to and fro with lawyers. This does have the potential to close my business. So thats a bit of a fear trigger Im working hard to keep under control. We now need to communicate with the client that I don’t have the money so that may lead to a reduced expectation on her part.

Dear limbic system, please try to just chill out. I will help you with reassuring words, I will swim to keep the body calm, walk in nature to soothe you, get good long sleeps, eat healthy food and remember to breathe. Try and remember the space around the thoughts and not just the contents of the space.

I have had a further session last night since I wrote above with the matronly life coach. She homed into my awkwardness about money, discussing it with clients, and unworthiness issues still sitting there due to early childhood messages still running in the background. She asked me questions that allowed me to hear my beliefs out loud. Helpful and useful. Encouraging me to continue with more boldness. She asked me how I would feel with plenty of money coming in. Enough to pay all the bills and buy a nice house for myself. The emotional response inside was ‘great!’ and I felt energised by that thought. I think she is trying to get me to give myself permission to allow success in and to stop sabotaging it.

I find myself looking at lovely little houses imaging how one day I could have a place I can call my own and I would really like that. Ive been living in other people’s houses all my life. Part of me never really understood the idea of ownership. But now I understand. Even if security is ultimately an illusion, its one that is good for the feeling of stability. Stability is something I value more now.

What has made the big difference over the last couple of weeks is asking for help and receiving it. That feeling of being supported. Of not being alone with all the issues whirling around causing anxiety. Being able to talk it out, lay it out and break each bit down into manageable chunks. A friend called me last night to see how I am and another yesterday, and even my old pal J I chatted with. ENFPs need to talk!



Love Yourself Group

One of my recovery from loneliness, boredom and stress actions has been to join with several Meet Up groups. And I am I so very glad I went to this one last night. Slightly cheesy name I thought but as I am learning to love myself more I couldn’t resist. Two and a half hours of utterly wonderful honest intimate sharing with 8 people In a circle, all at different stages of the process of falling in love with themselves. We did some exercises too. It’s on every 2 weeks so I’m signed up for more of that authentic sharing and learning.

And today I had an hour and a half session with another life coach, very love orientated but still on the case of goals and taking action. This all helps me to feel that I can be more in control of my stress levels this year by systematically making small changes in how I do things. It also helps me to clarify beliefs I have been harbouring that have undermined my ability to make effective decisions that are good for me.

I am enjoying eating minimally and healthily and not drinking alcohol and have lost a few pounds this week already. So pleased with myself about that. The over eating and boozing have both been dragging me down. I’ve been doing these dry Januaries for a few years now and it amazes me that it just goes out of my mind, not even a temptation.

Then a long catch over tea at the local pub with my oldest friend. All very nurturing indeed 🙂

Had a Bit of Therapy

Having some small breakthroughs the last few days. The session with the transactional therapist yesterday focused again on the stress I am experiencing around the business. She made me do this wheel which gauges where I feel I am on different areas of my life. Picture attached. Strangely enough this had been my homework preparation for the life coaching  session later on which I didn’t really know how to do. So by the time I had the evening life coaching session we could dive right in to a plan for action. My goodness both of these women are fantastic at what they do.

The therapist is more much personal and more encouraging. She lets me wonder around my experiences and feelings and talk, and validates my feelings, points out when Im doubting feelings or responses to difficulties, and encourages me, points out what Im doing well. It is so valuable to feel such support. I won’t wait till Im so separate next time.  I never been good before now at asking for hep, thinking I have to tough it through on my own, but no more! Its just amazing how much difference it makes. I don’t feel so alone and swamped by it all.

Then I had a coaching session with a new lady who was like a finely tuned efficient machine, procedural, limited chattiness, and straight into identifying my problems and prioritising the most important one. Then made me give her 10 solutions to the problem. Then read them back out and made me priorities those actions into about 4. Then made me say when I would carry those actions out. Not just next week, nope, which day and the exact time, and to be diarised and reported back on next week. And free too for 6 sessions, as she is building up her hours to fully qualify.

So this is all so encouraging and I don’t feel quite so anxious so afraid. Ive got a 2 hour fall in love with yourself group tonight in town. And I’ve now lost almost 3 pounds over the last few days from not drinking wine and eating more sparingly and healthily.

Hope you are all having a good start to the new year too x


Panicky Start

Oh dear diary, my saviour. Got a lawyer letter from the client who I’m in litigation with not accepting my offer and wanting £45k. For a garden that was only priced at £25k. It’s nuts. But as she is very rich and I am not she has a good chance of winning in court with her better lawyer. I might have to concede. So anxiety leaped in, limbic fight flight system fully freaking out and stress response experienced intensely, reasoning ability of the frontal cortex squashed.

Then it returned as I breathed and reasoned that it’s not the end of the world. Just means I will have a smaller deposit for a flat. No big deal. I get a small flat locally and build up some reserves over the next year. It’s just money. I take it too seriously at times and I don’t take it as seriously as I could and this is one of the consequence I suppose, taking undue risks not being sensible. That is changing now though. Though the admonitions from Light on the Path about ambitions are with me strongly still.

Thing is to the more rational types, the ‘st’ s as opposed to the ‘nf’s they don’t take all this conflict to heart the way we more intensely feeling creatures do. I sometimes wish I could switch that feeling response off, well I suppose I occasionally do take a rest if I get a hold of some Valium. But that is not often and not the healthy response.

Happy about a few things too though, and don’t feel so swamped. Taking action to apply some (apparent) control has made me feel better. I spoke to a new life coach yesterday, and she sounds very systematic and no nonsense. She offers 6 free sessions and is also an eft practitioner. Kind of matronly even lol. Maybe what I need in these t8mes of feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. I’m just grateful that a mystic space head like me has some Taurean practicality too for balance and being in construction helps that practical grounding a lot. She has sent me an exercise of prioritisation of goals to be completed before tonight’s session.

I called up one of the lonely recently bereaved older ladies from the dinner the other night to see how she is and she was so grateful for a bit of company. Had a long chat listening to her situation and feelings, as they taught me on the counselling course. She appreciated it and I got to feel useful. Win win. And I like her a lot too and it’s interesting to hear what it’s like being a fully educative marbles in tact person dealing with being the age of 86.

And in the afternoon a friend called me and we went for a few miles through woodlands downs the river with gushing waterfalls in the pouring rain and it was joyful, really such deep bliss returned. Good to be reminded that is always present even if it is buried under self concern much of the time these days.

I texted the professor I’ve had a couple of dates with to see if he’d like to go out again and …. no reply. I watched my thoughts of self doubt jump in, and wonder if I said something a bit crazy on the last date after a couple of glasses of wine that might have put him off (he is a bit of a sensible type and I am so open minded I could be considered a total nutter by those types….like I’ve got no problem with the idea that fairies or some sort of elementals exist under the manifest world….and quantum physics is suggesting it’s all hugely connected and definitely more mysterious than ever imagined) but that sort of conversation absolutely must be censored in most company. If that’s even possible for me….

But anyway, I got a lovely email to say that he would really like to see me again, so that was pleasant to hear. The two of us have a lot to talk about albeit within certain confines and I’m though I’m not feeling much physical chemistry I think these things can grow and aren’t always the best way to decide anyway. Can’t imagine at this stage fucking for 6 hours till 5am though! But I’ve been watching a lot of period dramas and like the idea that this kind of love can develop in time. I’m becoming more respectful of stability and rules in social situations.

Got a horse trainer to meet next week too, so other options are open. He lives a bit too far away for spontaneous meetings….so not wondering even if I should go, I need to live in the flow and listen to the Force. When my goddam head gets out the way, I can hear how to move with the Tao.and things seem to work when I do.

I do want to have a partner now, it’s, it’s been almost 5 years… took a long time to get over M, our sexual chemistry was so addictive way long after he with his crazy jealousies became toxic to me….the near mystic sex kept me coming back. And I’ve got a bad memory for bad experiences too. It now needs to be a best friend, total trust and openness, someone to grow old with. Mutual nurturing and loving. Not something I’ve ever had. I always go for intensity over stability, bit no more. I want both now. I need to learn how to receive love for this to work, that will take some getting used to. So not someone wildly passionate and unstable and self destructive this time. Someone who wants to look after themselves, knows themselves and values harmony. And I need to stop this childish seeing the best in people and completely ignoring reality and trying to rescue people. There was always warning signs.

I’m am scared of trusting now…..but I need to dump those last experiences and go into these new situations with more discernment definitely yes, but with the innocence of a child too. Here and now. Fresh start. I have a feeling the next one I will spend the rest of my life with. One of my unusual criteria’s is that I’d like someone more devoted to the truth than to me. That is the only way to ensure ongoing integrity.

Shit sorry, being a bit verbose here. But I feel myself reassembling as I take back control. I’ve got a busy diary of a activity over the next weeks of all sorts, today it’s psychotherapy and then a session with Maureen the new life coach. Tomorrow an evening love yourself workshop, and Friday the other life coach Gordon. He is a really loving style of coach, that might be interesting.

And business wise. I’m thinking of scaling down a bit. Less of these huge projects for obnoxious millionaires and more small artistic projects. Might even start a maintenance service with the spare van for the guys that are getting on a bit for the hard work. I have to accept my limitations and it’s too stressful. I’m even considering starting a part time dog walking business with the extra van, and will investigate what’s involved with that today and to see how I can do it better than the others around. I’m such an egotist, everything I do business wise has to be better than the other companies around. If your going to do something you might as well be the best at it. Hmmm maybe I need to look at this, sounds a bit perfectionist.

And starting losing several of those pounds put on over the Xmas gorging already, that was encouraging to see this morning. Got about 6 more to lose, and intend to have that sorted by the end of the month. So more saying no to my dear endlessly inviting feasting drinking neighbour pals. I do not understand why they are not fat with that lifestyle. Must have great metabolisms. Anyway, I’m having a dry January and then they go away for a month, so a new healthy start to the year it looks like. Going for a gym session and for a swim today, hopefully it won’t be heaving with screaming kids again. Normally I get this pool to myself and this is a near mystical experience, I get mesmerised into unified states. That floats my boat, any kind of unified state. It is the reality underlying the appearance of separation. There is no me when that occurs, I am that water, or that tree in the woods or that friends I’m communing with deeply. Ah to straddle both worlds successfully takes some work…..stability is valuable. Here’s a waterfall I stared at and got lost in for ages yesterday.