Today’s Process, fear of freedom, facing hatred.


Been doing so much reading that thrills, soothes and entices and then remembered, ‘oh yes, you have to actually DO this stuff’. More comfortable just reading about it! 

So I stopped, slowed and attended to the bodily sensations happening in this moment. A tightness around the solar plexus, up to the throat area, awareness of this had been squished to the side. A knee jerk habit away from feeling discomfort. I took a breath slowly. I said an inner ‘yes’ to the sensations,  a soft ‘it is okay to be here’. Always when I do this, it removes a big layer of discomfort. The discomfort of denial, and of fear of the feelings. 

I turned towards the feelings, the slight anxiety and discomfort. Then just the feelings themselves remained, a fear caused by stray thoughts believed earlier. Thoughts weaving a story of this life situation, not an accurate account at all but a certain angle or interpretation, a problematic theme as usual. The thoughts can make up what they want. It seems they want to goad mind into imagining there is a problem it can then set about ‘solving’. 

But the minds love of problem identification and solving not actually needed. Any problems that do arise, subside by themselves every time when left alone to resolve. Yet the mind reflex keeps on trying and trying. ‘Look look this is A PROBLEM! You have to DO something before it’s too late!’ 

No real problem sitting here on this comfy sofa, warm, good view, healthy, safe, quiet, tranquil even. No money problems. No relationship problems. No commitments or work to do today if I choose not to. Good music, absolutely anything I want to do I can. What’s not to like! Freedom. It’s scary. Sometimes I’m the prisoner sitting in the cell looking through the open cell door beyond to freedom and yet still sits there. 

The perfection and stability of it, there is no drama. Suspicious that it’s too good to be true the mind is. ‘I don’t deserve it. It’s the calm before the storm, a precursor to something terrible and unpredictable happening’. 

So just watching these reflexes and reactions coming and going. 

Started a new fitness routine this week. 2 miles on the machine, then weight training before daily. Then another 2 miles in the woods. Feels natural to get fitter and stronger, body likes it a lot. Still no booze, so mood is more stable. And hardly any sugar, and weight is down again. Very little Facebook. 

Im onto something inside that I’ve been putting off, the ego is horrrified by the idea I turn to face it. It is holding some people outside the circle of love. I sometimes see others temporarily as the ‘enemy’ or adversary , say driving along, or at the pool, if they make a noise or crowd my space. It includes a few people I know too, family members, old friends. It gives me pain as it’s actually a lie, believing an idea of separation. They are me. I love them all. Im curious to investigate how this relates to what I feel towards myself. This feels like a toughie, going by the feeling of dread being thrown up. 

Couple of enjoyable productive social encounters recently, yesterday with my old pal W and today with 10 year old A in the countryside. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s