Bit more personal processing stuff here. It’s a disorientating time with the ongoing dismantling of the ego structures of a separate self and the tentacles of conditioning and belief wound around those structures. Feel a need to write here to look at it all.
I have to remember to be compassionate to this human personality which is having what it considers its meaning and purpose removed, no less. I’ve been looking after people, children, pets for decades, and now they are all gone. I shopped, cooked, ran them around, took them walks, out for dinner, listened to their problems…and so on. I enjoyed all that. It came easily and naturally. This is such a typical empty nest syndrome story going on with me. Big adjustment.
I see now how much I lent on being useful, being a helper and a rescuer. My son commented tonight on my motives for all the broke friends. We pondered on it for a while, first motive was being a rescuer, and then identified an aspect of power and being control perhaps. Also ambitious materially successful people I found boring. I preferred junkies, poets, writers, musicians and stoners that like rock music and talking philosophy and judge less. Much more interesting.
Just about all my friends over the last 30 years have been broke with a few exceptions. Including me for long periods of it, but I had parents who supported me during tough times when my kid was small, they gave me a small allowance and a little car. Very generous. I always had access to resources and didn’t want for much, though lack of money was a recurring theme. But I didn’t really want much. Some woodlands, a river and a joint or two.
And my dad always repeated “the haves help the have nots”. That was a rule for life from him. It stuck too. It’s not a bad rule either. But I did actually take it literally it seems and got very good at finding people who were needy. I didn’t bother much about trying to hold onto money, I shared resources easily. I didn’t really feel much separation from the people, helping them just felt like helping myself. My mum is a major helper rescuer type, so I probably mirrored her.
So yeah bit unplugged here at this time. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Everything feels easy, even business.
It has been a good day today, productive and healthy. I even did weights and treadmill at the gym, followed by a swim, a walk in the park, then gained a new client, answered backlog of emails and calls, sent invoices, and just had an evening woodland walk. 4.5 miles. Eating very healthy too. Good girl!
Is this it? What now? Personality really wants to know. It’s freaking out with the realisation that very little entertains it now. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Noooo! Fuck zen it screams. Is this it, the utter nothingness of the empty truth of existence. Jeezo, this ain’t for the faint hearted, emotionally unstable or depression prone this path. Have another cup of tea. Okay then. See, I’ve started talking to myself. Need to get a puppy before I go mad. I do appreciate you reading this story of mine, it really helps knowing there’s someone listening that I can share with.