It’s 11am, and already I’ve had a swim, walked a mile and a half, visited the guys, spoken to 2 clients and a tree surgeon, cooked a pot of Chinese soup with prawns and Gyoza. Now what. Need a fuckin rest! Pondering on the weekend’s learning and events on the sofa. It’s Easter Monday after all.
I had a weekend of deep solitude, of looking honestly in and of study. I watched a ton of interviews with awakened and awakening people on BATGAP. I rested deeply too, also watched some fun drama stuff. Needed time out from depth to consolidate too.
That Kiran lady I mentioned earlier, I found her unique and fresh in her approach. Using her own words mostly and not belonging to any school or tradition, but spanning them.
One talk I found particularly interesting because I have been venturing there myself more fully the last year or two, and havnt heard anyone talk about what I have been doing. She describes it as finding your “delicious yes” in each situation. It was a delight to hear her take on it.
I have been making the transition from being fear driven to finding out what my heart wants me to do in each moment. I discovered that each moment has what I call a ‘sweet spot’. That same sweet spot when the ball hits the exact right place on the racket. It has been my mission to find that sweet spot in each situation because it is there that magic happens. “What does the Force want me to do?” I ask it (‘me’ really of course).
The decision when it’s in alignment, feels fully supported by the universe, it just feels right. I feel aligned with myself and the situation when I choose this place. And what is interesting is that I’ve noticed that it works for all those involved too. It’s a consensual alignment. Sweet spot for everyone, the Tao. Consensus. No government needed if people lived like this.
It’s quite easy to do too. It does however require no head noise and a lack of fear. And that is the tricky bit, well was for me Stepping through fear, and having a mind quiet enough to hear the Tao. Fear makes it difficult if not impossible to tune in, it’s such a dominating emotion. It’s loaded with concern for a separate self that doesn’t exist. Makes it hard to listen to the more subtle feelings and indications from the Force.
So for me, I went from being fear driven quite a bit of the time, worrying about not getting things done, making mistakes, neglecting my responsibilities, to saying ‘fuck it’. I’m going to do exactly what I want to do every day. Let’s see how that pans out. And it was terrifying. Part of me expected the sky to fall in, or that I’d end up homeless and penniless. I thought that the fear was protecting me from something bad happening and without it something bad was sure to happen.
That did not happen. Quite the opposite. It’s been an incredible part of the journey, learning that the more I trust the better things turn out. The less I cling to what I want, the more I get what I want. I dipped in and out of doing this for about 10 years but these days it’s now lodged in and part of my daily life. For some reason it doesn’t work for me when choosing new restaurants though!
A client emails, leaves a message, or the guys or my mum…I answer when the time feels right for me and not a moment before. No ‘should’ determining the timing. The timing of response to everything can be immediate or quite delayed, depending on what Feels right. My heart tells me. It is okay to wait, no need to be afraid of trusting myself any more. I can relax.
I had a hard one yesterday though. An old friend from 30 years ago who turns up a couple of times a year appeared, ex junky slightly mystic, very rough background, a cackling humorous cynical philosopher too, very well read, a real unkempt William Borroughs type. He appeared and wanted to meet up. I wasn’t sure, I felt crunched up inside about it. I was perfectly enjoying my solitude.
My mind was loudly protesting the case that I don’t want to go out, far less to mix with druggy smokey slightly smelly old friends, which I don’t do any more. My heart was saying there are exceptions. And it’s not about ‘me’. I have no real idea why this guy is an exception. I know his awful physically and sexually abused history in foster care, and he has done well to live so far. I see his destiny from that background, his life script and course was pretty predictable. He says that my stern motherlyness helped him to give up alcohol over a year ago. (You are going to DIE! I yelled in his face in the car, he got a big fright). He is an alcoholic, an ex junky and ex crack addict, and yet wants to live and to get better.
I just didn’t know, but he (who is really me) was asking me to do something simple and easy for his support. So I picked him up and we went to a long drive through hills, fields and trees to a country pub for ginger beer and coffee. I listened, bit of chit chat, gave some encouraging words. I dropped him off. It was fine. Not pleasant, not unpleasant. Still felt cruched up inside as I arrived home.
What of those who come from this sort of childhood? The life script of worthlessness is so deep. What a gargantuan leap is required. I always thought this guy has done really well, all things considered. He is alive, he can write amazingly well, and play guitar. Never had a job, the state provides. Well the state let him down too early on, it owes him. I always looked beyond the junky in him and saw the powerful being in there.
Only person I saw all weekend actually. This life is fairly monastic at the moment. No friends! Quite enjoying not having personality friends just now. Don’t have those compromised conversations where I don’t say what I’m really busy with. Historical friends I only know cos I know them. Dear lovely people too, but I just can’t talk to them about everything.
Talking of friends…..I would like to be part of a Sangha. Those on this journey to nowhere and emptiness travelling together. Thank goodness for the internet, great for mingling with real friends. Good to be able to communicate here this remarkable process.