…to do anything but keep still and silent. I know that is what is called for at the moment. Something is being incubated that can’t be rushed. I am watching my mind trying to escape from this death sentence, this is how it sees it. I have this house empty, no dog and no child, just alone in silence. The ego is begging me to buy a tv! It tells me I will love having a tv on in the corner bringing vitality, movement, company, entertainment to my days. I am resisting that temptation so far.
The quieter I become inside the more I am able to see and feel the suppressed feelings. They scream at me. Last night at the mindfulness compassion course, the subject was calling to mind someone you have a problem with, difficult feelings for, or a tricky relationship with. This brought up some issues I have with a few people that I’ve been trying to ignore. Because when I think of them, next thing there is a story about a painful experience, and suffering results.
This was quite a lot of pain and disturbance, to allow feelings of anger, resentment and betrayal to arise.
The exercise was about challenging our ‘position’ taken in the relationship, by thinking of those around the person who get on very well or are close to them, who like them and do not have a troublesome time with them. It was to help us see that it’s not about the other person. Always about us.
It is we who need our own healing in these suffering situations. It’s not about forgiving or anything. Sometimes that is not a current option. It’s looking after ourselves and healing our pain right now. No rumination of the past needed for this.
It is so very tempting to go back into memories of what they did. But what is important is that we attend to and care for ourselves. And we can always do that no matter what the cause of the pain is.
The other feelings surfacing recently have been a strong pining and longing arising for my most recent ex, even though it has been a long time. I still feel close to him. Every day he comes to mind, and I sometimes live in some illusory dreamy wishing world where everything could be happily ever after. I’m sensing I did not heal the disappointment I experienced around him. I did not stop loving him. Just didn’t know how to handle him, and keep myself safe around him.
In the end I had to cut contact in the name of being kind to myself. I can still love him now, that is okay, I can give permission for that. It doesn’t mean that I need to act on it. I can wish him well when he comes to mind and say thank you.
I read in Adyashanti’s book that his teacher warned him about finding himself in a relationship at a certain stage in his path. And he did end up in one, that was not right for him, and took him years to let go of. It’s as if the ego, feeling it’s power wane, wants to reassert through romance, drama, a love affair. All this meditation, silence, gratitude, connecting with the joy in this moment, is agony for the ego.
So it deposits whispers of temptation and desire, and promises of happiness through union with another. And yes we all have been brought up with the fairytale idea this is what to do. It’s true I feel lonely at times, when I resist what is happening in particular. I enjoyed having a buddy to go exploring with, nature walks, trips, concerts, meals out. And maybe I will enjoy it again when the time is right.
So letting this all come and come. Physically putting my hand gently on my heart area, feeling the warmth and comfort penetrate the skin. Listening to the spring birdsong outside, the odd car passing, and the silence and peace of it all. I breath in and breath out consciously. I feel the weight of my body on the seat, my feet touching the ground. Becoming present through the body. What a gift that is, the sensations of the body always present and a permanent route into the present.
I could have a biscuit. Or I can smooth myself.
I could have a glass of wine. I could comfort myself for a while first and see if I still feel the need after that.
I could text an ex or I could kindly be with and allow my feelings with gentleness and care, listening to them, acknowledging them.
I notice that the urgency to act out of pain diminishes a little every time I turn with tenderness and hear those feelings.
I nurture compassion and goodwill towards us all. Permission granted to be kind to myself and to us all!
May I be well. May I be happy. May I be at ease. May I be healthy.
May we all be well. May we all be happy. May we all be at ease. May we all be healthy.