And I spent days experiencing some level of fear – of nothing in particular, well not that I could identify. Fear of everything it felt like at times and nothing at all, at others.
My usual methods for ameliorating emotional pain; going for a nature walk, a swim, a chat or a drink did not touch it. So yesterday afternoon I decided to take another action. I looked up ‘mindfulness therapist Skype’ and found an experienced and qualified chap in Colorado, and he was available so we had a 90 minute session. This is none of the usual talking therapy, this was right in there to essentials, miles past individual stories or family history or beliefs….to facing the nothingness.
In less than an hour the anxiety had melted, and COMPLETELY melted. I looked and looked and it definitely wasn’t there, not even hiding behind a rock.
This guy knows that we heal ourselves and he facilitates that. He talked of love, of compassion, of our inner Buddha nature and of the little self. We talked about how my beloved son/dog/friends had departed, and that those were sort of props in my life keeping me distracted and busy and feeling useful. And talked of how now I am facing what was there all along, my essential nature, which is no me. Pretty damn terrifying to my little self that is. Facing the nothingness. But unlike the normal talking therapies we didn’t spend ages son my ‘story’ or history. Im glad to find out tat wasn’t necessary as I have done that so many times and it feels like dragging myself through distant mud.
What he did at one point was help me identify where the fear was in my body and encourage me to turn towards it as a caring mother to a child. And then to move it to my lap. The act of moving it to its location from the throat to my lap, seemed to be a catalyst for its changing.
Well, how fortunate was that?! Scored with finding exactly the right person at the right time. Life’s little miracles amaze me.
I felt free again. I went to my meditation group later on and told them all about it. I knew things had changed for me as I wasn’t afraid of speaking in public to the group the way I am sometimes when I am feeling anxiety. Then the self consciousness feels crushing. I felt free and open and relaxed and they enjoyed hearing my little victory over the grip of the fear. A little enlightenment experience of being who I am. And this morning I awoke and no fear at all, no dread of the boredom of doing my work, seeing clients and dealing with staff which I have been getting.
For all my talk and chat about self compassion, I had been holding back on full action of doing it, it had gradually become more of an idea rather than a visceral felt sense.
I am going to continue with once a week 90 minute sessions. Wow. His name is Peter Strong and this is his website.