I awoke today early, and much to my amazement, after days of seemingly uncontrollable anxiety provoking thoughts, I seemed to just see the thoughts individually and clearly as each one arose.
I lay in bed for a couple of hours before I got up, just being deeply relaxed. When a thought appeared I recognised instantly as it arrived and if it was one worth pursuing. Just about all of them were not.
So thought after thought, I said a sort of ‘Hi there, I see you, not just now thanks, bye’. Not aggressively or anything, gently and firmly. I didn’t want to get back into an anxious state, my rest was an enjoyable luxurious break after weeks of feeling on edge.
I could hardly believe the relief I was experiencing. ‘Is this real, will this last, can I trust this?’ my thoughts asked, confused as to why I was suddenly not anxious any more. I just kept returning to what was happening right now. Resting, resting.
I did some mindfulness practice. ‘May I be well, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at ease’. Over and over and over and over. Maybe setting this intention helped too.
This freedom was blissful. It is blissful, it is still here. In the swimming session this morning I did more mindfulness practice. ‘Breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out’ and got a nice rhythm going with the breast stroke. Enough space opened up and allowed me to appreciate the water’s colours, and marvel in the complex patterns of light and shade. I remembered what it is like to exist in the present. Taking each and every moment as it arises, no jumping ahead, back to this moment.
Im not sure what made this change take place this morning. I just woke up feeling well. I have felt like I am floundering for the last weeks. I have been beset by worry, I have been looking at my dark side, or rather they have presented themselves clearly to me and undeniably. Bits of my personality that I am ashamed to admit to. Its not pleasant this, there’s a time for it, and its always a valuable experience. I see it as a sort of test of honesty. To see my self doubt, to observe my hatred, bitterness, anger, cruel thoughts, the harshness of self judgement, my craziness, and then to remember to feel compassion for me and everyone else who is suffering. We are certainly not alone in our suffering.
Maybe it was writing that post yesterday that helped too. I was facing some feelings in it. Saying things ‘out loud’ is the opposite of shrinking away from admitting to them. And once they are out, they can be cuddled and examined. And most importantly, they aint so damn scary!
I read this today
“When you are hooked and your emotional world is on fire, slow way, way down. Touch your heart. Send awareness into the muddy earth. For just a moment, drop under the vivid storyline into the hot, sticky, claustrophobic energy surging in your body. Into a sea of information.
An old, orphaned aspect of yourself is expressing its longing. It is yearning to be allowed back home, so that it may reclaim its place in the internal family. Open your raw heart. Stay close. And listen:
Please know me. Please hold me. Please care for me. Provide sanctuary where we can come into relationship once again. I am not here to harm you, only to remind you of how whole you truly are. I am filled with sacred data, but it can only be released into a field of kindness.
Love would never turn from one of her children. Likewise, let us not turn from the guests of the heart, but provide a warm home where they can rest from a long journey. Once rested, they will illuminate the way ahead.” Matt Licata