This Process


Of learning to be, in spacious open awareness has a kick back. And it is an intrinsic part of the process learning to navigate when the kick back happens. 

If you visualise a wheel moving forward slowly and put your finger at a point on the side, there is a part of the cycle when the turning wheel when it seems to be going backwards. Even though it sometimes feels like I’m going backwards, I know from experience that it’s just a necessary facing of the shadow side. It’s still painful though, and I can feel I have found myself in some quite desolate inner landscapes. At times like these the old gratitude lists seem like empty pointless platitudes. I’m just in an emotional desert as part of me recoils in horror at what I see in myself. Not pleasant at all.

I’m in it just now, and it’s at times like this when it’s not fruitful to take this energy into my thoughts. So not to think too much, just lie low, eat healthy, look after myself and wait it out. These are the times when I do not feel inspired to write, when most of my available energy is taken just getting through each day. It’s the deep of winter just now too, so it feels right to just be quiet, stay indoors and cosy. Been feeling like this since I returned from Spain. 

It was wonderful, really a joy to see my lovely boy so well, to hear him speak fluent Spanish, to meet his adorable friends, to explore the beautiful sights, to walk till I drop every day. It was a varied rich experience, and felt amazing to be in unfamiliar territory. 

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