I continue to go through the deeply transformative process of adjusting to being without my beloved dog. It has been a disorientating week, my brain has been fuzzy and I have been functioning at about 20% capacity. In shock. I have spent a lot of time making myself cosy and comfy on the sofa, in recovery mode. I have to just just step aside and let the inside do it’s necessary process.
I have been holding a nurturing space for myself. Not expecting much work wise, not seeing clients, taking it easy. My routine is completely disrupted, and all the time and energy spent each day looking after an ailing pet, now has to find a new place to go. And also with my son leaving home recently too, it is one big empty nest syndrome going on here. I found myself going to the supermarket then realising there was nothing I needed or wanted, I was just like an automaton going through the motions. So used to daily shops to try and find food to cook for the dog. It was so hard to get her to eat the last weeks, and even when she did, she threw it up mostly.
Some people have been really kind to me, and that has been nurturing. Flowers from my mum, phonecalls and visits from friends, skype and facebook messages. I continue to go swimming each morning. Healthy food, and lots of tea with honey all day long.
I don’t go to the park though, it is too painful just now. I tried today but had to just drive through, tears streaming. Mindfulness helps too, as I watch the thoughts scramble about trying to ‘solve’ this and let them go. Mindfulness is not intended for ‘solving’ or removing pain. It actually helps you sit more deeply into what is actually happening, whatever that is. And this week it has been a lot of pain that is experienced.
There has been a beauty to this experience too, a softness and an innocent purity that comes with being stripped of defences. I have been nearly incapable of being dishonest with myself this week for example. I am sitting in loss, and there is nothing I can do about it, and an acceptance of this. Even though the pain speaks of a wish for what is happening to be otherwise, I recognise that. That is how it is just now. I also recognise the part of me that is unmoved despite allowing all this agony to be felt.
I am curiously watching this process as it unfolds day by day. I am literally more alone than every before. This week I have noticed how odd it is not to have something alive in the house with me. Just stillness there. These seem like small things and yet they are huge when for decades I have shared my space with my son and the dog. I no longer get my loving morning visit from the dog. I no longer have her to stroke and love and adore. These small things are actually huge changes for the emotions, the nervous system used to loving and being loved. It makes me feel compassion for those who have lost a close person. I feel connected to everyone feeling loss right now, and I also of course feel compassion towards myself. Grateful I am not bereft of this comfort of self kindness, I am here with me as I go through this. I give myself a hug.