I was so hoping to hang onto this friendship, but the destructive effect on me is a burden that is not viable to carry any more. Not if I am including myself in my kindness and compassion. It is an act of self hatred to continue with situations that we know from experience lead to pain for us.
I have been down this road so many times with this guy, and I just don’t know how to deal with someone who has mental health issues and adoption issues, who directs anger so easily towards me. Its hard to stay open when dealing with their mood swings, to remain in compassionate understanding when they take so much more than they give and then top it off with random anger outbursts. This guy has so much potential, as we all do. Its all locked up inside sealed by lack of confidence and self loathing. How difficult it is to be honest and take responsibility for ‘bad’ behaviour when your self worth is in shreds. He is depressed and suicidal too, which has increased my inner conflict about him. I feel concern for him, and yet this mental health situation makes him toxic to be around regularly, unreliable, ungiving, bad tempered.
Learning how to be compassionate with myself has made me noticeably more honest and able to own up to mistakes, to see my ego driven reactions, not to hide and use denial to protect my fragile self esteem. It can really hurt to face things honestly, but with the self soothing that comes with practicing self compassion tools, it creates a feeling of safety inside. Today for example I got a little anxious in the car, and I put my hand on my heart and also gave myself a little loving stroke and squeeze on the arms, a mini hug. It was warming amid that painful feeling. I wasn’t trying to get rid of the fear, just comforting myself as I felt the feeling.
Resilience is built by being kind towards ourselves like this, and we can handle more, and we shrink away from pain in general much less. So ironically there is an increased openness to pain, and yet an increasing self respect that makes us naturally move away from painful situations and relationships that hurt us. I am also able to face the reality of situations and not hide in an idealised version or interpretation of what is going on. I have used that looking on the positive side so often in my life as a way to avoid the pain of looking at something square on.
And I am shining my light much brighter these days too, and I am a lot more confident and money matters are going well, which can also be difficult for others to adjust to, including this friend too perhaps. If you are suicidal and depressed, then maybe its not beneficial to be around happy people with whom one compares oneself? I don’t know. I have found the opposite to be true for me at times, but maybe its about how much and how often and how low one is. I don’t know, I don’t know!