There are so many ways that self compassion has changed my life. And I am noticing and experiencing these changes, and also find that it is challenging too sometimes, learning to navigate in new territory, and see what comes up from inside me in response. It is leading to totally new and unfamiliar situations. I sometimes feel like a baby. And I see that discernment is a necessary tool.
Self compassion has led to me caring for and looking after myself more which has led to me being more successful including in the conventional sense. So now I find myself socially acceptable to conventionally successful people, and I am finding myself mingling more with those who have made a success of their lives and I am having a chance to study them and myself close up at social gatherings. This is very different from the ruffians and renegades I am more used to, those who don’t really fit and and struggle to get by.
I went to a wine tasting last night at a friends house. I enjoyed it but found the whole thing a little absurd…wine to me roughly tastes the same, especially after 2 glasses of the stuff. I am so glad I said no to the last glass and left early as I would not be feeling too healthy today if I had carried on drinking.
My good friends who have sort of absorbed me socially and I am mixing with a wide group of people, all successful and at the top of their careers in different ways, there are business people, professionals, artists, musicians, conductors…
So last night was another group successful people, including my own dentist, (who today is off to drive his Porche racing car). There was a teacher in a top private school, an ex army officer of high ranking, a German wine merchant, as well as my 2 friends. All are fairly right wing in their views and politics. I wasn’t sure how to join into an anti immigration and voting Conservative conversation when I have just donated to a local school consisting entirely of immigrants who are raising money to help them integrate, and I recently tore up my voting ballot paper rather than vote!
I said maybe a little lamely at one point that its nothing new, that people have been moving around the planet in search of work and a better life throughout history. I get their concerns about immigration, incoming flux of Muslims that mostly don’t want to integrate, the Romas coming for UK social security payments (if that is even true which I very much doubt for the majority). I think its basically alright though and don’t consider it my business. I don’t feel I belong anywhere politically. It all seems abstract and none of it even slightly taking place right here right now. Its theoretical discussion. The heady stuff of the mind.
Why am I writing about this? I suppose I need to just talk out what I feel about this new trend in my life as I’m not sure I want to keep going. I have enjoyed the novelty of being socially accepted. It is so different from the circle I have of older friends who are very left wing. But I am feeling its maybe time to turn down some invitations, and back to more spartan, less meat, less boozy place.
I suppose I am also feeling a disquiet that I don’t seem to fit in anywhere, or is it that I fit in everywhere? Odd how these two are the same.