I’m living in a state of relative freedom for the first time in my life. There is little or no drama going on, my relationships with others are stable, I have no money worries, I know how to deal with potentially stressful thoughts using mindfulness, I have very little stress and feel calm much of the time. My relationship with myself has never been better too. And yet it’s not all love light and laughter. This new way of being has had a strong impact on me.
What do I do, how do I ‘be’ with this new state of ease? I go for nature walks, play scrabble online, see clients, deal with the business logistics, and design gardens. Though now, there are big long spaces of time alone each day where I do not need to ‘do’ anything and don’t feel like doing anything. I wonder if its boredom I am experiencing, or loneliness? Maybe both, maybe neither, its hard to navigate and know what is going on. Just have to go through it and see what happens, its a magical mystery tour. I also experience big fluctuations in my energy level, and have to lie down at all sorts of times during the day. I’m putting this down to a big inner adjustment taking place.
Now that I’m not in a state of stress, I don’t run myself ragged being very busy all the time. I get the same amount done in a quarter of the time. I listen to life’s promptings before I do things, and everything gets done effortlessly. The more I trust the promptings, the less effort I have to apply, and I don’t really have to think ahead or plan much either because of it.
It is all very smooth, and I find it difficult at times to settle into this effortless ease. I am so used to making a huge effort in life, being restless, tensing up and dealing with issues, conflicts, problems and worries. I don’t know what to do with myself! I am surrounded with open spacious awareness all day long almost. There are decades of built up urges, responses and defences which are now out of a job, and there is nothing for them to do any more.
I find myself in a strange in between state. There are few highs or lows, though moments of bliss and moments of despair still come now and then. What I am doing with this, is allowing and observing with curiosity. I am not going back to familiar old comfort blankets of familiar people, or smoking or booze. I’m just being with this voidy spaciousness. There is very little I want to do actually.