I love experiencing relief from my self created angst and misery. I am learning the art of accepting what is happening, and not resisting it or trying to control it.
It is one of my ongoing experiments at the moment and life is providing plenty of raw material. This morning I arrived in the pool to find lots of other people there. I usually have the whole place to entirely to myself. So I went to the jacuzzi, and started accepting that I may not get in for a swim and decided that was perfectly alright. I love just accepting what is happening, its so much less painful that resisting it.
I could have been annoyed going all the way into town for ‘nothing’, and gone in a quiet huff that ‘my’ pool was busy and there was no room for me. I could have had a little aggressive rant about it and upset myself. That would be a ‘normal’ habitual response for me. But this morning I am experimenting with going with the flow. Whatever is happening is exactly right as it is. I relax completely. I observe that I am sitting among bubbles and have barely noticed that I am here right now this very second. I am off in my head on a trip. I bring myself back, look at the bubbles, feel the body sensations, consciously breath. I feel grateful for this immense deep heat, and opportunity to relax. And then all the people left and I got the pool to myself and swam.
Afterwards the tiny communal changing room is crowded. Caught my thoughts going something like this ‘should I get naked facing them or with my behind to them, which would show me off in the best light and look the most attractive? So many young woman, they must find this old body so ugly.’ Its so funny catching thoughts like this, the old tapes are still running. I smiled and stayed as I was. There was a time that I would have felt ashamed at having such thoughts. Now I know I have no control over them whatsoever, and they are random and continuous and come and disappear again just as quickly. I don’t have to fight the stream of random thoughts or respond or comment. Just let them be and keep on returning. I do have control over one thing. Being aware of the quiet centre that is there all the time amid the thoughts.
The relief of just letting things be as they are, whether its outer circumstances or the inner flow of endless chat and commentary from the mind. It is so relaxing.
“Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest” Tilopa