No longer searching for the perfect future


And instead being with what is happening right now. This is it. Plonk! Right here, right now – love this and not some idealised life that doesn’t exist. Takes some getting used to if you have spent a lot of years imagining the ideal way to live as I have, the perfect country with the right amount of sunshine, the perfect low energy house, the perfect off grid self sufficient community. Loving what is, as Byron Katie says. Pondering this today, and what a change it is coming home to the present instead of living half in some imagined better future. The realism that comes with age, and not having quite so many years ahead!

I’m having a second day of fatigue here, on the sofa for most of the afternoon drifting off at times, and I feel like I’m just existing today and not much else, I’m playing scrabble online, not answering the phone or emails. Don’t want any demands on my attention. Just isn’t energy for that today again. My mind is wondering what is wrong with me, though I’m mostly trusting this process. It’s not well documented what happens when you become more and more present and I think that is because it is so unique to each person. The symptoms and effects widely vary. The positive effects seem to be reported more than the difficulties!

It’s scary at times, as there is uncertainty and it’s unfamiliar territory. The positives I have spoken about, the increased gentleness with myself and others is beautiful, the resounding inner peace, the exquisite joy at the smallest things. The difficulties include the getting used to utter solitude and silence, not being so easily entertained as others are and I used to be. The growing apart from old friends, the unfamiliar territory round every turn, the courage required, the not having someone to share it all intimately with-in other words, no clinging to another!

I was out for birthday dinner duty last night, a close friend’s 50th. Just 4 of us and it was pleasant, though I wished I had brought my car and escaped before some others arrived with their chatter. But I watched my various preferences and likes and dislikes at work and let them go. At one point I took the risk of mentioning what is going on for me, how I’m recognising the upper limit problem, what it is, how it works and the self sabotage and fear of greater and longer periods of happiness and stability and how dangerous that can feel. Risk because it’s quite an intimate and personal subject, but it was met with recognition. I’m a little curious about how widespread this self limitation is.

“Let Santana, the current of life, carry the expectant travelers to the new shore.

There are many waiting. Let them learn first about the difficulties of the journey, and clearly understand the fight with darkness. Let them not hope to avoid it. The path to joy cannot be easy. There will be joy. We shall speak more about joy, but first let us forge the armor of the spirit.”

Supermundane 1 H.Roerich

I can afford the time fortunately, my teams are out building on 3 different sites at the moment and they are getting on with it, even in the relentless rain we are having this week. So the money is coming in and we are booked till May now already. I’m berating myself a little for not wanting to respond to new cline ten queries, something I normally love doing. And then I remember self compassion. To allow this, whatever it is, if it is happening then it is to be accepted, not resisted.

After my 8am swim, I did a fair bit of running around this morning getting them canopies from the other side of the city to work under and keep a little drier. Got soaked right through for the short while I was out there with them. Back here and complete energy crash. Got off the sofa for a park walk with the dog in the rain. When I get up and move I seem to have energy.

I am curious about this. The thought did occur that this may be a symptom of an ‘upper limit problem’. I’m having an energy crash right when things are going so very well. Not that doing nothing is a problem at all so it’s not sabotaging anything, but still, why am I having an energy crash when I haven’t exactly been overdoing it. My son left home less than 2 weeks ago to live in Spain, so that’s a huge change to get used to, nobody else in the house now. I don’t mind it though, and not conscious of missing him and I enjoy the silence and peace, but maybe there’s an adjustment I’m going through. Happy he is off out there having an adventure.

So just be with this and see what happens. It was interesting lying here today (in the middle of the day too, shock horror!) and letting myself do nothing other than just be. Not many thoughts, no activity for periods, just being and at peace with that. This fatigue isn’t allowing much choice or resistance to it.

” Find ecstasy within yourself. It is not out there. It is in your innermost flowering. The one you are looking for is you.”

Osho

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