It is time to leave the guilt, shame and anxiety club, and join a new club. I’m jumping ship, away from the familiar rock n roll rebel self rubbishing one. And onto the ship of those who care about themselves, who even cherish themselves, but at the very least care about their health and wellbeing. This is a new club for me and I’m in a transition zone. That uncomfortable place where I go back and forward between two worlds, and there is pain in that itself. Joining a new club means leaving my old fellow club members behind, though that has been happening to an extent.
I want to share a personal struggle with addiction. This new life of being kinder to myself is showing up aspects of my life that are in contradiction to it. An old habit that is part of the self-abuse pattern that I have carried with me, smoking. And it is time to let it go. I feel so guilty about doing it knowing the harm I am doing to myself and I find the smell very disgusting. So why don’t I just stop then?!
My reasons for smoking include: I feel scared of the void I imagine will be left in my life. They have been a reliable constant in a unpredictable life.It helps to write these reasons for smoking down, as I can see how they sound and how I feel about them. It has been an uphill struggle to keep smoking though through the tremendous loving energy of tuning into Open Awareness and the compassion that I tap into for everyone, including myself.
I feel compassion for myself right now as I struggle here. To keep smoking I have other habits I use to help me do it. I drink tea with honey all day long. I cannot smoke without drinking tea when I am in the house as I dislike the taste of the smoke so much, the tea helps mitigate that. I look forward to not being dependent on drinking tea all day long in order to maintain my nicotine addiction! It is a lot of unnecessary calories I take in and the dentist told me the other day that all that sugar in the honey is rotting my teeth. The second habit I use to maintain the addiction is eating mints. When I am out in the car or in the park and I want to smoke I have to eat a mint, and that helps disguise the horrible disgusting taste of the smoke. This is also calories I don’t need and bad for my teeth. The third habit I have which I do about 3 times a week is drink alcohol. I’m not keen on the effect of alcohol but it makes smoking more pleasurable. I look forward to leaving all of that behind.
Guilt, shame and anxiety are poisons in themselves. They eat away at well-being and joy, reduce the energy and lower the mood of the day. It is time to remove the source of the guilt shame and anxiety and stop smoking. I no longer want to feel disgusted with myself.