And it just happened so I am processing here. Got a longstanding close friend who I texted today to see if he wanted to come for our usual walk. No answer for 5 hours. Sent a second text. No answer. I called. He seemed distant and I tried to engage, but eventually saying ‘do you want me to go?’, to which was answered with a ‘yes’.
I have no idea what is going on for him, and it is not unusual behaviour. It has taken a lot of compassion and understanding to continue this friendship. And ignoring my own feelings too. Is it possible to have a stable ongoing relationship with a very damaged person? I have been trying it for years. Most people avoid them. But I have been conditioned by the perfect ‘hook’, a distant father who pretty much ignored me. So I have followed a pattern of being attracted to distant men, and then trying to get them to love me, trying to get my father to love me.
So it is new year with the inevitable re-examination that brings, and I am wondering if it is time to shed that skin. The one that allows an unbalanced friendship. The skin that overlooks over and over another taking out anger and irritation. The part of me that does not look after myself and allows abuse to occur. Self compassion is leading me in a whole new direction….