I’m challenged in a few different areas at the moment. My new designer who I had such high hopes in can’t design very well, not yet anyway, and maybe never. I’ve been giving her more responsibility and scope than she can handle in my idealism. I’m having to criticise and take over some of her work, uncomfortable for me and her, as she is very confident and fiery. I’m going to have to go back to basics and give her less responsibility and be more involved with the designs. If that doesn’t work she will have to go. I can be such an idealist, and when reality doesn’t match up I can have a stress response. I resist reality initially, then I get on with it. There is a belief it all should work out smoothly. And when it doesn’t I have to face my wishful thinking. There’s a childish part of my personality that thinks I can will or wish things into reality. So I’m continually disappointed. Hmmm I’m pretty much setting that up for myself.
And business is busy and every day – always things to do continually – it’s clients, staff, money, accountants, garden designing, problem solving. I realise I am on my own very much with this business, there is nobody to talk to on a weekly basis even, certainly not daily. This is difficult as I like to talk things out and think out loud. Though I am learning to keep my own counsel which is a good skill to learn. I have been interviewing new accountants this week. Both quotes are £3000 less a year than what I am paying. I see I’m being overcharged and that doesn’t feel great, but I’m taking some action now about it. Change is scary though, and I acknowledge the fear that comes up in waves.
Fitness is going well, still doing gym and swim in the mornings, still curtailing unhealthy food, so no bread or unhealthy snacks, very spartan daily eating, just what is necessary. The weight has been reducing but very slowly. I need very very little food, much less than ever before, and the slightest deviation or treat makes me put on weight. That’s a bit disheartening at times. I just have to have one meal like I did last weekend of pizza at a party, and several pounds go back on which then take a week to lose again. So it’s quite isolating this healthy regime, and I avoid meals out, or gatherings of friends and family. I’m determined to get down to 9 stone 7 pounds. I dipped below 10 stones to 9.12 last week at one point, which was a milestone achievement and felt fantastic. First time since last September I dropped below 10.
I seem to have resolved my conflicting feelings about buying a house. I don’t want to own anything, it doesn’t feel right. Ion think know why but somehow it doesn’t suit me to own a house. Probably because I can’t afford a really nice place!
I’m not enjoying the work just now, many problems with annoying clients, and the current gardens aren’t very exciting or difficult and risky, and not making much money so cash flow is tight. Feels like a lot of effort for very little reward right now. I know I’m being negative right now, but it’s how I’m feeling and just being honest about my experience. Thanks for listening, I had to get it all out. Oh and it has been raining so much and today from morning till now 1.30am. Small glimpses of sun, this has limited my outside time which hasn’t helped my mood. I seem to need to be in and around nature every day.
Self compassion is part of my approach nowadays, but it doesn’t stop me feeling pain. It just means I’m more honest about it because I’m less scared of facing it. Less alarmed and more accepting of loneliness, boredom, fear, irritation…all part of the variety. There’s plenty of joy, curiosity and wonder, blissful silenceto balance it with. I feel like a bit of a routine robot at the moment. Sleep eat work sleep eat work, and not much else. And yet establishing healthy routines has been lacking before and so even though it might bore the novelty seeking bit, it’s also valuable to experience stability too.